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30 May 2011 @ 12:01 am
Moby’s Dick  

Anyone who has gone through the educational system knows that English class is a glorified book club. You’re expected to read whatever tripe gets put on your desk and report back with the standard essay. Your teacher will claim to want originality from you, but you’re the 124,928,123rd person to write a paper on a book every student has to read in every school across the country. Originality is impossible. Should you try to obtain this elusive beast in your essay, you’ll have to enter into the fringes of the churning abyss. It’s a fine line to walk, and the slightest misstep will sweep you away under the waters of madness.

Take for example: Moby Dick. The white whale is an excruciatingly prolonged metaphor for God, which is supposed to blow your mind, assuming that you’re appropriately stoned and easily impressed.

So what if Moby Dick really was God? God is just essentially an unobtainable metaphor, and Moby Dick is a metaphor for God. If Captain Ahab were to kill Moby Dick, would that mean he’s factually killing God? Yes. If God’s dead, how can the universe continue to exist? It can’t. The reason Ahab therefore fails in his quest and is dragged down into the briny depths of the Ocean with his hated killer isn’t because of his hubris, but rather because of the essential paradox he creates otherwise. Say that Ahab kills God/Moby Dick, or Godby Dick as I call him: he’s killing the universe’s source of perpetuation. Without God, all time and space collapses in upon itself, creating a vast nothingness. No time means no past. No past means that the events leading up to the universe being destroyed could never have taken place to begin with. Thusly: reality is thrown into a loop until an outcome allows the events to skip over God being killed: so Ahab is killed in Moby’s place. Also: Moby is a giant fucking whale.

Let me explain using Batman:

Batman has to “kill” Darkseid, whom as one of the New Gods is a metaphor for God as well. In a way, Darkseid is Batman’s Moby Dick, but unlike Ahab, Batman doesn’t fuck it up, because he’s Batman. He uses bullets that travel back in time, and in simultaneous retaliation, Darkseid’s Omega Beam eyes “kill” Batman by unsticking him in time, turning him into a living bomb that will accumulate Omega energy until he returns to his point of origin and destroy reality itself.

Fact is, Batman’s dealing in metaphors. The gun he’s using is the metaphor for every gun, and the bullet is the metaphor for every bullet, and he’s just a metaphor for a bat. Fortunately, Batman is also the World’s Greatest Detective and becomes self-aware of the fact that he’s aware of the fact that he’s a metaphor for himself. Thus, he stops Darkseid’s evil plan and saves the universe and we’re aware of all of these facts by proxy because the universe wasn’t destroyed. I mean that literally: Batman would have destroyed the universe by killing Darkseid had he not gone through these steps. So: Moby Dick is “dead,” but we’re still here.

Ahab’s an archtype as well, but he’s not Batman. So, if he killed Moby Dick, that would have been it for everyone. On a subconscious level, Heman Melville must have understood that his own shitty writing would have gotten us all killed and stopped himself short of being awesome. That’s what happened with Samuel Taylor Colridge and Kubla Khan. The opiates wore off and he tore up the original manuscript, because it would have killed us all. In all likelihood, Nathaniel Hawthorne probably saw what Melville was up to and warned him off, while fending off his homosexual advances. This happens in all cases of End of the World prophecies. Recently: the May 21st/2011 apocalypse came and went without us knowing. The world did end, just like it did in Y2K, but the self-correcting nature of reality smoothed everything out. The world is destroyed just by believing it’s destroyed. Factually committing a powerful metaphor like this into print ensures it stays destroyed.

So take that: English Professor, and stuff it in your hipster retro pipe. Is that original enough for you? Arguing with me is like arguing with Batman, it gets you dropped off a building. If I submitted this in Grade 11, you know what it would have got me? An F+. They’ll want to punish my ideas as being too “revolutionary,” but still they’d be too afraid, because they’d know that anything with Batman in it can’t be wrong, except for Batman and Robin.