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26 April 2011 @ 08:53 pm
Product Placement for Taco Bell  

Taco Bell wants an apology. Their “beefy” tacos contain a higher percentage of dead cow than previously implied, so they demand an apology from their accusers. It’s still legally debatable if it is in fact, “real beef.” The fact that a grey area can arise over whether something is a dead cow, or not, is cause for alarm in and of itself. There’s a lot of food products saying, “Real Beef,” like hot dogs, and I’m quite certain it’s 100% rat anus. Still, no one has a fit over it like they do with Taco Bell food.

The fact that it took this long for Taco Bell to quell rumours about it’s product is another matter. I’ve looked at their recipe online, and I’ve tasted their tacos (just like I tasted your mom’s taco last night, punk), and there’s still doubt in my mind that this is beef, let alone meat. I’ve eaten beef in various forms, such as steak, burgers, etc. and it hasn’t caused me violent and explosive diareaha for three days, unlike Taco Bell tacos. The taco filling is 88% “beef” and 12% “stuff.” I’m led to believe the remaining 12% includes the Ebloa Virus, as the ingredients list such splendours as “anti-dusting agent.” Their website does not reassure me about these so called “common ingredients” found in coffee, cheeses, etc.. Remember: Taco Bell is a knock-off of Mexican food. Let me explain that to you again: it’s a knock-off of Mexican food. Have you ever seen dollar store toys that are cheap Mexican rip-offs of American toys, and somehow they’re of lesser quality than Chinese lead-paint based toys?

Taco Bell is an imitation of that type of imitation. When they’re casually talking about the same ingredients as theirs ends up in deli meats and cheese at other locations, I would demand to know those locations. Because if they’re in Honduras: fuck you. I’m not eating your anti-dusting agent.

Their bullshit response to a bullshit lawsuit made things worse. First, they thanked their nay-sayers for suing them. That doesn’t make any goddamned sense. That’s like a serial killer breaking down in tears and thanking the cops for catching him. Then someone finds their wife’s head in a box. Then they started running this goddamn ad:

These are the fakest actors money can buy. Bear in mind: they spent millions and lost millions more all because of this campaign. These people have never set foot in a Taco Bell, let alone worked in one. Do you think Taco Bell employees look and act this way? Working at Taco Bell is the most soul crushing job imaginable. These are the people who have to wash the poop off the walls and ceiling of the bathrooms after you finish your meal. Plus they bring up a lot of questionable turns of phrases, like, “We start with USDA approved Grade A beef…” Then? Do you feed that beef to the Thresher Beast whose younglings you grind up into your tacos? Where does it go, besides all over the bathroom wall?

I don’t know what’s worse: that it might not be all beef in the tacos, or that it’s all beef. Cows have to die for this shit, just so you can have a two second meal that immediately ejects itself from your puckered anus. When you eat a Kobe steak, you’re eating a cow that lived better than you did. When you eat a Taco Bell taco, you’re eating a war crime.

The worse thing is: there’s Taco Bells inside KFCs, and vice-versa, like they’re interchangeable. KFC is all about the 11 herbs and spices. Their fucking Col. Sanders isn’t even a real Col.. There’s not one thing about KFC that is built on lies, secrecy, and chicken genocide, and they’re right there, hand-in-hand.

This whole ad campaign is just about one menu item. No one says shit about the rest of their food item. What the hell is going on with that, then? Is there some even worse secret? Is Soylent Green made out of people, or the Taco Bell dog? That dog’s dead, you know. They don’t live that long, and I’m pretty sure someone ate him. Still, that dog was better than their current ad campaign of, “Our food-like substance isn’t 100% recycled asbestos.”